I recently just dropped out of a live stream interview out of sheer social anxiety. I was supposed to be interviewed, I started talking, and I realized that I was gonna be nothing but nervous the entire time. Now… I fully acknowledge that I very well might have just either disappointed them, screwed up their show, or both, but I simply did not care at that time. I was told that the show went fine without me, Which is good because I dropped out of the show specifically because I knew it was gonna be a BAD show WITH me there. I care about entertainment of all kinds, weather it's animation, music, or podcasts.
I know how to recognize quality entertainment and I know what each medium needs in order to be excellent. Podcasts require people who ENJOY talking. People who LOVE talking. People who are GOOD at talking. And not everyone is. Some people are too shy, some people are obnoxious, and some people just aren't interesting or funny. Now, having no friends for 10 years straight does stuff to a person's psyche. It doesn't make them go COMPLETELY crazy, but it does build a huge complex of either superiority or inferiority. In my case, it's superiority. I truly do think I'm talented and smart and funny and that I know what's best. But who the fuck enjoys the presence of THAT kind of person? A person who constantly acts like he's better than everyone else. There's not a single person on this planet who likes that kind of person and can stand being around that kind of person for more than 2 minutes. Therefore, I've started HIDING my superiority complex with inferiority. But every so often, it comes out. Like on that live stream that I walked out of. And as soon as it came out, I realized "Wait… I hate arrogant people… why am I being arrogant?… I'm a hypocrite, I don't deserve to be on this podcast. It'll be a better podcast without me. These guys are entertaining to listen to as it is." And I dropped out of the skype call. And IMMEDIATELY, I started thinking to myself "I should just stay in my room and draw and animate and never go outside and talk to people." I mean… it's what I WANTED to do… but I COULDN'T do that because then I'd be close minded, something I ALSO hate about other people, and yet, I am that kind of person. And since I'm in a comedic career, I pretty much HAVE to be open minded. THAT'S where good comedy comes from.
Makes me almost wish I had friends in high school. They'd teach me to be funny in that Jon Stewart way where the more extroverted you are, the funnier you are. Instead of it being the more time you spend by yourself, the funnier you are. And that's my method. The more time I spend alone in my darkened room, the more good ideas I come up with and the easier it is for me to write. When I'm around people… Jesus christ everything is just so stressful and fast and everyone's talking all at once and it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to be funny or smart in that kind of environment. I don't know how people do it. I mean, I get comments saying "You're the funniest person I know." And I can just never agree with them because on one hand, I'm like "You're god damn right I am! I actually put effort into the jokes I make!" But again, I can't think that because I know for a fact there's people out there who don't even have to try when it comes to humor, and they're fucking HILARIOUS. It's almost like I feel handicapped.
Everyone else that has a comedic career doesn't need to be alone and spend minutes to hours thinking of material, meanwhile I have to. It makes me feel even more socially retarded than I already know I am. Especially since I'm probably the only person on the planet who takes comedy seriously. Every other animator on the internet is just like "whatever" when it comes to humor, and they're BRILLIANT at it. They don't care. But I do… and the only way for me to be as good as I am is by caring. It makes me wonder if I have to take comedy seriously just to be good at it, maybe I don't belong in that kind of department of work… but at the same time, I LOVE HUMOR SO MUCH! It's like when you're a football fan but you can't play football to save your life. Or when you say you love the troops, but could never pick up a gun and go fight over seas yourself.
I mean, I know I'm currently making weekly comics that are meant to have SOME kind of moral to them… but hell, I don't know if the morals I have are right. I THINK they're right, but for all I know, they could be dead wrong. That's why I always try adding a joke to it. If I can't be right, I want to at least be funny… but at the same time, it takes me longer than it should to be funny, or smart, or even likable. Which is why I hate being around people and LOVE being by myself. When I'm by myself, I'm god. I'm in control. I can UNLEASH my superiority complex. But when I'm around people, I'm the polar opposite of god… I'm dog, and everyone else has me on a leash.